Closure

Dear Baby,

We never got the chance to meet, but that doesn't mean I don't think about you or dream about you. Over the past nine months, you have been in my thoughts a lot. Today was the day you were supposed to make your grand appearance in this world. Oh, and what a wonderful day it would have been. Your Daddy and I were so excited when we first found out about you; everyone was! We were all so surprised that we were going to have a second baby so soon, but we were so happy as well. You and your big brother, Eli, would have been almost exactly 15 months apart had you been born today. WOW! That would have been very interesting for us, but we were ready to take that challenge. Two babies under two! It would have been fun, that's for sure!

I'm sad today though, because you're not here. Almost a month after we found out you were in my tummy, we found out that you went to be with Jesus. Oh, how my heart broke! How it still breaks every time I think about that day. I contemplated not even blogging about this, but I felt like I owed it to you. I wanted you and everyone else to know how much you meant to me even though I only knew you for four weeks. You were my baby. No, I didn't know if you were a girl or boy; I never got to pick out a name for you or decorate a nursery for you; I never even felt you move. I was flipping through the journal I started for you the day I found out I was pregnant with you and saw your first picture. You were so tiny! It's amazing how you can fall in love with something so tiny. It's amazing how you can grieve and hurt over someone you've never even met. Even though we never met though, you were mine. I remember wondering if I would fall in love with you the way I fell in love with Eli and you know what? I did. My heart didn't have to share it's love; it just grew and doubled from the moment I found out about you.

There are so many things I wish I knew the answers to...why did you have to leave so early? What do you look like? Are you a boy or a girl? Will you know me when I get to heaven? Will you be grown or still a baby? I know all of those questions have answers that I will never know while I'm here on earth. I'm so thankful that I have a God who does know the answers to all those questions though. I'm so thankful that I have hope that I will see you one day. I'm so thankful that God gave me the strength to get through losing you. I'm so thankful that God knew exactly what he was doing and that he has a perfect plan for my life. I'm so thankful for all this and so much more. I love you, dear one. I miss you and I'm sad that I never got to know you on this earth, but I can't wait until our reunion in heaven. I love you...