Unexpected News

I've told you before that for about as long as I've been a Christian, my verse that I have often turned to is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a good future." For so many years that verse has been such a comfort to me. I know that no matter what happens in my life, God ultimately is in control and he has a good plan for my life. It's funny how a verse can mean one thing to you one day and then the next you are clinging to that verse like it's your only hope in the world. I guess that's where I am right now...

Monday, I received some bad news about the new baby. I went in for another ultrasound to check for the heartbeat because the last time I went, I was still very early to hear it. Whether it was women's intution or God quietly preparing my heart, I knew something was going to happen. I spent the entire time in the waiting room praying for my unborn baby. I wish I could say that I prayed that it would be perfectly healthy, but I didn't. I prayed for God's will to happen in my life. I continued praying all the way back into the ultrasound room and during the entire procedure. What I told God was simply that this baby had been his from the moment it was conceived and he knew exactly what needed to happen with this child. This child was his and his alone. The doctor began the ultrasound and then my worst fears were confirmed. She left the room to go get the senior doctor so he could take over the ultrasound. I was trying my hardest to be strong and to not doubt that anything was wrong, but when he measured the baby, and it measured the same as it did 2 weeks ago, my world came crashing in on me. Something was wrong with my baby...He punched another button, one that shows blood movement in the womb and even with my untrained eye, I could see that no blood was moving through the baby...no heartbeat. Then I heard the words, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you...I can't find a heartbeat." I managed to stay composed until they started talking about my options...let nature take its course or do a D & C. They kept asking if I had questions about anything they were telling me and I finally just told them I couldn't even think and I just needed to get out of there. I made it to the car and then I just broke down. I know that I've only been pregnant for a few weeks, but a baby is a baby-whether it's just been conceived or just born. There was a life inside me and now there's not. Some of you may be asking why in the world am I writing about this...I have to. It's the only way I can help deal with the pain and the loss.

I know many of you share the same story; you've been where Josh and I are right now. You know exactly what we're going through. You know the loss that we are feeling. To those of you that don't, please just pray. Pray for God's healing for our hearts because honestly, they're pretty broken right now. Pray for God's peace in my life. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control and I know that though I may never see that little baby here on this earth, he/she is in heaven right now, along with so many other babies that haven't made it. I know that God has a perfect plan for my life. I know that he is still my God and even though I am hurt right now, I am going to praise him through this storm. He is right here with us and, praise God, is never going to leave us. Thanks in advance for your thoughts, prayers, and concerns.