Thursday, June 25, 2009

Unexpected News

I've told you before that for about as long as I've been a Christian, my verse that I have often turned to is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a good future." For so many years that verse has been such a comfort to me. I know that no matter what happens in my life, God ultimately is in control and he has a good plan for my life. It's funny how a verse can mean one thing to you one day and then the next you are clinging to that verse like it's your only hope in the world. I guess that's where I am right now...

Monday, I received some bad news about the new baby. I went in for another ultrasound to check for the heartbeat because the last time I went, I was still very early to hear it. Whether it was women's intution or God quietly preparing my heart, I knew something was going to happen. I spent the entire time in the waiting room praying for my unborn baby. I wish I could say that I prayed that it would be perfectly healthy, but I didn't. I prayed for God's will to happen in my life. I continued praying all the way back into the ultrasound room and during the entire procedure. What I told God was simply that this baby had been his from the moment it was conceived and he knew exactly what needed to happen with this child. This child was his and his alone. The doctor began the ultrasound and then my worst fears were confirmed. She left the room to go get the senior doctor so he could take over the ultrasound. I was trying my hardest to be strong and to not doubt that anything was wrong, but when he measured the baby, and it measured the same as it did 2 weeks ago, my world came crashing in on me. Something was wrong with my baby...He punched another button, one that shows blood movement in the womb and even with my untrained eye, I could see that no blood was moving through the baby...no heartbeat. Then I heard the words, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you...I can't find a heartbeat." I managed to stay composed until they started talking about my options...let nature take its course or do a D & C. They kept asking if I had questions about anything they were telling me and I finally just told them I couldn't even think and I just needed to get out of there. I made it to the car and then I just broke down. I know that I've only been pregnant for a few weeks, but a baby is a baby-whether it's just been conceived or just born. There was a life inside me and now there's not. Some of you may be asking why in the world am I writing about this...I have to. It's the only way I can help deal with the pain and the loss.

I know many of you share the same story; you've been where Josh and I are right now. You know exactly what we're going through. You know the loss that we are feeling. To those of you that don't, please just pray. Pray for God's healing for our hearts because honestly, they're pretty broken right now. Pray for God's peace in my life. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control and I know that though I may never see that little baby here on this earth, he/she is in heaven right now, along with so many other babies that haven't made it. I know that God has a perfect plan for my life. I know that he is still my God and even though I am hurt right now, I am going to praise him through this storm. He is right here with us and, praise God, is never going to leave us. Thanks in advance for your thoughts, prayers, and concerns.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry, but you are right God has a plan. We never know why things happen like this, but God will bless you again in his time. You are a wonderful mother!!! I love you and if you need anything or just want to get out of the house, I am here. I will let you contact me when you get ready.

Love you, Dara

Audra said...

Your attitude is one to be admired. I am continually praying for you, my friend.

Avery's Mommy said...

Oh wow, that post brought back so many memories. I am praying for you and I am so, so sorry.

Penny said...

I know you aren't very far along, but you're right--- a baby IS a baby! When we find out we're pregnant, we know in our heads what it is supposed to look like. But in our hearts, it's a baby in a bonnet or a baseball cap that we picture. You'll never hear me tell someone "It wasn't a baby yet." That's not true, no matter what anyone thinks! Especially not to his/her mommy, daddy, grandparents, etc. I am SO sorry this happened to you and Josh, Sue and the rest of your family. You will get through this. Our prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

I will say a prayer of peace and comfort for you and your family.

Debra and Marty said...

We are so sorry. As you know, when you love someone, you hurt when they hurt. All of you are in our thoughts and our prayers. May our loving Father hold each of you close for only He can heal your hurt. And He will. We love you.

{Louisiana.Bride} said...

I really admire how strong your faith is in this. We are praying for you and your family.

Cristi said...

So sorry for you and Josh. Keeping you in my prayers. We have been there with Casey and know your pain very well. Even with the small preparations God gives us (I had that a little too) the hurt is still the same. Isaiah 41:13 "I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says Don't be afraid, I will help you." Let him take your hand and help you.

Anonymous said...

Even though we didn't get to hold this baby, and get to know it, we still loved him/her, and we love you all. Mammy

Janna said...

I don't know you personally, only through Josh, but feel as if I do by reading your blogs often. I'm so sorry to hear this news and can't imagine what you both must be going through. I'm glad you have such a strong faith to help see you through the tough times. You'll all be in my thoughts and prayers.
Janna

Danielle said...

amanda,
i am so sorry! i am really at a loss for words about what to say. please know that i'll be thinking about you and praying that in His time, God will reveal to you the reason all of this happened. As you know, He has nothing but wonderful things in store for you, Josh, and Eli. Keep on trusting and believing just as you do. We'll be thinking of you.

Love,
danielle

Anonymous said...

Amanda.... I have been in prayer for you and josh since I saw this news on the prayer list. I am so sorry for this loss, but HE is in control and HE will will always be and we should give HIM our hurts and HE will take care of us... I love you and I will and am praying for y'all... Please call me if you need anything because I know there is nothing I can say to make things better but I can listen and pray! Love y'all!

Anonymous said...

Amanda.... I have been in prayer for you and josh since I saw this news on the prayer list. I am so sorry for this loss, but HE is in control and HE will will always be and we should give HIM our hurts and HE will take care of us... I love you and I will and am praying for y'all... Please call me if you need anything because I know there is nothing I can say to make things better but I can listen and pray! Love y'all! Diane

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